Nasa Iligan na kami.
For now, since yesterday - ako ay Tour Guide at Translator, kahit na di pa din ako nakakapunta talaga dito. Nakakapagod din i translate ang halos lahat ng bagay. whew!
At kailangan i extend ang pasensya, di lang kami ni Hannah ang nsa Host Home namin, may isa pang pares. At parang may bago din kaming counterpart, ganun ang dating.
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Am I crazy to think that because I am finding it hard to pray, I am also finding it quite hard to relate how I live my life into "faith driven service." I think I am questioning my faith right now. I don't even know if that makes any sense, I shall try to explain it further in this letter. But before that, a little introduction on why I was moved to write to you.
Fr. Pat (Falguera, SJ/JVP Batch11) sent me a PM a couple of days ago telling me he is in London. I gave him my UK number and he also sent me a text message. He's been here all along and he tells me 2 weeks before I leave?!? Kainis!!! I've been to Central London about 3 times already and he's just there, near Regent's Park. I could have heard one of his masses or ranted to him about life's unexplainable circumstances. I could have talked to him about God and about faith in general and ranted some more about life in general but No, I wasn't able to - because he didn't tell me he was here in the first place. ugh! I am pressuring him to see me before I go. hehehe :) Thus I write to all you.
I was talking to Ate Norie about leaving soon and she asked if I learned something from the 3months here and if it made me a better person. I was able to easily answer her in those first 2 questions - an easy Yes. Her last question made me think, she asked - "mas napalapit ka ba sa Panginoon ng karanasan mo?" And I pause, and I question myself deeply and I am not sure of the answer.
Why am I not sure of the answer? That is quite weird. I asked Ate Norie, if I am able to learn something and if I am a better person, which automatically makes me a better person for others - doesn't it also mean that I have made myself closer to God? It's easy to rationalise, and it totally makes sense. But it doesn't satisfy the mind (and the heart) that seem to know much better or is demanding a better and deeper reflection.
I must admit that I didn't know it'll be this hard to Find God in All Things or to forget to find/see God in all things. I guess it's easy when you are surrounded by people who are as conscious as you are. But surrounded by people who not only question your religion but question God's existence doesn't help. And adjusting to a new culture, being far away from home, adjusting to the weather and thinking about work can be really distracting and makes it even more difficult for one to stop, and be in a place of prayer.
It's not that I don't pray, I still end my day with my prayer and appreciate life and all the beauty that I see as part of God's work. But my prayers have become routinary; and fast and a bit memorized. If I were God I'd feel a bit bad - i'm not spending much time with Him as I used to.
The last time I opened my bible, about a week ago, I was re introduced to Psalm25. :) I can only hope that my consciousness allows me to renew that spirit to converse with God and see Him in All Things. And going home, where things are more familiar takes out some of my excuses to forgetting to pray and commune with God.
P.S.
Fr.Pat - magkita tayo! I'll be in Central London tomorrow (june4) and on (june12). ilibre mo ako, hahaha, ang kapal ko. :)
Shio,SJ - I love your positive outlook in life. you are one of my inspirations to optimism right now. I better see you the weekend that I'm in Manila, nasa Abada lang ako. :)
Eric Santillan - we should talk soon! i should really rant to you. you can also visit me in Abada on the 14th and 15th if you want, weekend naman yun. hahaha.
